DISCLAIMER: This piece is an entirely fictionalized account of the day after the presidential election on November 3, 2020. I was going to write something about my election day concerns, but we’re all drowning in those up to our earlobes, so instead I wanted to have some fun with the looming election. What follows is a humorous post-election fantasy, and I once again reiterate that this is totally fictional.
Enjoy, and please vote.
. . .
November 4, 2020
While many of the votes have yet to be counted, the preliminary results of in-person voting and early mail-in ballots are in. The results show a significant Biden-Harris lead across the nation, with electoral votes also tipping in favor of the democratic ticket. However, that isn’t even the most newsworthy item as we grapple with the election results.
The biggest news comes from what can only be described as Chernobyl-like meltdown at the White House. At around 9 p.m., when the results began to show a nationwide blue shift, President Trump called for an emergency meeting of his cabinet to discuss a plan. The portentous meeting was recorded by a bug which Melania Trump herself placed years earlier in hopes of gathering enough evidence to divorce her husband, the President.
While portions of the recording are obscured by the rustling of cheeseburger wrappers, belches, and loud slurping, what is discernable is nothing short of a political suicide pact. The meeting begins with a markedly irate and incoherent President Trump demanding to know what went wrong and why he’s losing. A long silence follows before Jared Kushner pipes up to explain to the President that he may have overestimated his own popularity. The President then ordered Jared to divorce his daughter, Ivanka, on the spot. Yet another long silence followed.
Stephen Miller spoke up to suggest that the administration look into every democratic voter, round them up, and force them to change their vote. The President can be heard lauding Miller with praise over the sound of copious amounts of French fries being shoved into his mouth hole.
Meanwhile, many of President Trump’s most ardent supporters in the senate were fighting for their seats and losing. Votes in Kentucky and South Carolina showed an almost unanimous rebuke of Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham, the states’ respective senators. Graham, who in the weeks leading up to the election could be seen frequently on FOX News asking for donations, was found outside his polling place, laying on the ground with a guitar and an open case, busking sadly well into the early hours of the morning. Not to be outdone, McConnell was leaving his Louisville office when a local news crew approached him to ask some questions. Though the questions were typical of any politician up for re-election, McConnell seemed increasingly flustered, often gurgling and pulling at his shirt collar to loose his jowls. When the questioning proved too intense for McConnell, he let out one loud gurgling gasp before an unknown creature clawed its way out of his neck and skittered back to McConnell’s office, leaving McConnell’s husk of a corpse at the local news crew’s feet.
Back at the White House, the situation grew darker and darker. By around 11 p.m., President Trump had taken to walking the White House lawn, his body man carrying an open sack of wrapped cheeseburgers which the President would dip into once he finished his current burger, leaving a trail of wax paper wrappers, ketchup packets, and crumpled up napkins. President Trump was called into the White House when the secret service became nervous about the pro-democratic crowd gathering outside the White House gates.
When the preliminary results became all but definitive at around 12:30 a.m., the President called an emergency broadcast from the oval office. Camera crews scrambled to get everything in order, and at 12:53 a.m., President Trump took to the airwaves of every major news outlet. He addressed the nation surrounded by Miller, Ivanka, Kushner, and was rejoined by Steve Bannon, who had drunkenly driven his car through the White House gates. Trump sat at the resolute desk, which was strewn with burger wrappers and ketchup packets, then proclaimed that the election was fraudulent, and proceeded to physically assault Kushner on camera, all the while choking down a mouthful of cheeseburger. Once he felt Jared had enough, President Trump turned to the camera, his hair and make-up a dripping mess of orange and burger grease, and began to speak, only to be interrupted by a choking fit.
The President’s cabinet could be seen watching the President choke, completely still, almost smirking. In rushed a triple-masked, triple-gloved, and face shield equipped Dr. Anthony Fauci who gave the most violent, aggressive, and cathartic Heimlich maneuver in recorded history. The screen then went black, but not before an audible and embarrassingly lengthy bout of flatulence could be heard coming from the President. The White House later issued a press release saying that the President had mixed up his medications and all behavior should be disregarded, although the President could be seen walking past upper White House windows in his underwear into the early hours of the morning.
All the while, Vice President Joe Biden and Kamala Harris could be seen sharing a glass of cabernet sauvignon with their spouses in tow, and all seemed to be right in the world.