Taking Stock

Once a year, every year, I try peanut butter one time. You see, I’m deathly allergic, so I eat it and try to ride out the throat-closing for the sheer thrill of it all. I kid, of course. No, I’ve just never liked peanut butter. I don’t like the taste, the smell, the texture, the jars, none of it. But peanut butter is so immensely popular that I feel like I surely must be missing something. And so, every year at some point I try peanut butter only to find that I do indeed still detest it in every aspect.

Why? Why try it every year? I’ve disliked peanut butter since I was a child, and so I try it to check if it’s a genuine feeling or I’m just holding fast to something I’ve always done.

Before you ask, no, this piece is not going to be about my relationship with peanut butter.

I retry things often, things that I didn’t like the first time. Specifically, there are things that I tried from my mid- to late-twenties that I didn’t give a fair shake. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to make a sound judgement on anything. I re-watch movies and shows I had previously deemed shitty for one reason or another, only to find that I love them. There are bands and artists I completely dismissed that have become a major part of my life, and others that I’ve since jettisoned.  

What’s the goddamned point, you pretentious, bald fuck? We don’t have all day to read about things you like and don’t like.

We have to frequently take stock of what we think, how we feel about things. Because humans are so flighty and emotional, our opinions and views are subject to change. I’m not the same person I was five years ago, or even two years ago. I’ve had to reorganize my thoughts and take stock of what truly mattered. That meant revisiting things that I either previously loved or shunned. It’s actually quite freeing to revisit something you love, but learn that it’s no longer for you. It’s a bit sad, like a part of you died, but this is growth. I don’t listen to any of the music I did in my early 20’s or adolescence. I can’t stand it. It’s music for a young, fiery soul, and I’ve cooled down. 

It’s for this reason that I eat peanut butter once a year. I’m taking stock of my ideas and keeping myself in check. I refuse to let myself slide for any belief I’ve held without substantial reason. I struggle with various complexities and incongruities in my own thinking, but everyone does. However, it matters not what you once believed, but what you live by going forward. 

Published by Christopher Goodlof

Writer, Visual Artist, Musician

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